its not a want or a need but a desire to explore.
i am tying myself down to her before i know we will be together. why am i doing this? there just words and i need to get out of here. I am now realizing that this place is driving me insane now. Maybe its just my nature to not be able to meet people but i have nothing here but some soso grades and a building student loans. i want more and i need it. i want a downtown scene that i can explore every night and find something new and yet still see some of the same people and create stories with them and in turn create a web of connections that make my life worthy to me. I want to see the few friends that i have, be closer bc they matter. Or at least for now. i might expand but these friends are more permanent than the lack of ones here. even my own cousin says hes too busy whether that is true or not, but then i hear he goes home every weekend he can and yet not once has he asked me if i would want a ride.
pathetic people who go home every weekend, youll never grow. ya i lived at home but those people are family and i have more conversation with them than anyone else. i lived there and i could cook, and lounge properly. I guess that's what i want, nay, desire. a home to cook, a place to cozy uo to and read, for torture or pleasure. and to drink, not saying im a huge drinker but i would like a sip of the alcoholic beverage and i cant unless i want to pay twice normal prices and go downtown. fucking dry campus. such a bs rule bc other college kdis binge and act like retards, and sorry for the word use. but they do, and they are suppose to be the leaders of tomorrow. oh im scarred. i dont know how to act that stupid, when i look around a mix of jealously and pride sweeps over. jealous, in that im not ahving that fun and pride in that im better than that, or am I? i jsut need my niche, or a job to make my time less but with so much of an influx of hw and tests, ugg i can barely get by soemtimes.