and through the darkness comes a hand a hand to pull my up into the light, not death but life.

the world kept spinning and my slowed and it was like running through water. my world was suspended and wasn't on the same rotational movements. i now know that the words were not lies but they were weighted. she thinks she knows me but she says the words yet can comprehend the affect they have on me and style of living. im her back up and its now her futuristic words lie on the pavement as i try and move forward and fashion a life for me in this red hole. Illusions can be great bc with the lying eyes i cant go on as easy when i don't yet feel as if this is home, yet. something needs to be altered so i can feel comfortable and have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Every move i try to make in the positive direction i get shoved back to the negative side and its that much easier to go to the dark side. i have to stand up and be heard, im far too chill.

Long time.....

It has been a while since I last laid my fingers to the keyboard and laid down a steady stream of my thoughts to the screen. But a lot has occurred and I am feeling more inspired since late spring and walking with her. Walking is an under rated activity. And since those early days I have more of a spring to my step and have these waves of thoughts as writing. And i am now fulfilling them and trying to catch up and write and feel better. My early situation with T is no more. I am seeing what it really is. I have the choice, the sheer free will and I know what I want and what I would like to do. Now if I can get to act on it and walk my path. I would like to walk it with her, hand in hand, kissing her as the sun sets with the flash of green, illuminating us. Now its time for a truth to emerge, pursuing a girl who has it all is a bad decision. The girl all the guys want and the girl with the ho beauty is not the girl I ever really want. I desire the girl who is imperfect but flawless in my eye. Now all I need to is jump and see if she feels the same or if i will become boxed.

its not a want or a need but a desire to explore.
i am tying myself down to her before i know we will be together. why am i doing this? there just words and i need to get out of here. I am now realizing that this place is driving me insane now. Maybe its just my nature to not be able to meet people but i have nothing here but some soso grades and a building student loans. i want more and i need it. i want a downtown scene that i can explore every night and find something new and yet still see some of the same people and create stories with them and in turn create a web of connections that make my life worthy to me. I want to see the few friends that i have, be closer bc they matter. Or at least for now. i might expand but these friends are more permanent than the lack of ones here. even my own cousin says hes too busy whether that is true or not, but then i hear he goes home every weekend he can and yet not once has he asked me if i would want a ride.
pathetic people who go home every weekend, youll never grow. ya i lived at home but those people are family and i have more conversation with them than anyone else. i lived there and i could cook, and lounge properly. I guess that's what i want, nay, desire. a home to cook, a place to cozy uo to and read, for torture or pleasure. and to drink, not saying im a huge drinker but i would like a sip of the alcoholic beverage and i cant unless i want to pay twice normal prices and go downtown. fucking dry campus. such a bs rule bc other college kdis binge and act like retards, and sorry for the word use. but they do, and they are suppose to be the leaders of tomorrow. oh im scarred. i dont know how to act that stupid, when i look around a mix of jealously and pride sweeps over. jealous, in that im not ahving that fun and pride in that im better than that, or am I? i jsut need my niche, or a job to make my time less but with so much of an influx of hw and tests, ugg i can barely get by soemtimes.

Her!

wheres the dam remote
where is that fast forward button so i can speed up to the good stuff.
the part where i am with you.

then im gonna hit the pause button and let the image of you and me stand there till the end of time.

then ill hit the rewind button and watch it all over again

im going insane here without you

Women

If i found a genie and got 3 wishes, i would only need one.

your on my mind like pie, never ending and repeating over and over, your the equation that i cant solve, the only one i want to solve for the rest of my days.

Ill work on it till my fingers bleed.

ill stare at you from across the table and drown in your eyes, and ill be mesmerized by your convictious smile because when the judge slams my sentence, i shall be.

you know bout me, but you dont know the whole truth.

Your the gym leader that i have on my mind. one day i hope to share with you the truth of my mind, and show you
its truth i speak and your the beauty

i hear the song on the radio and it brings back waves of you
whatever mood im in is lifted and desperses to places unknown and a
smile forms as my mind wonders in the fields of you

i have little of a life and i know it but dotn change it
i need too
mybe next weekend, i keep saying.
i need to get a move on
before it all passes me by